Titles are interesting to consider when you're looking at ER episodes. On any given Thursday, I look at the episode title and try to see how it fits into the scheme of the story. (Just another one of the many reasons that make me a trifle obsessed.)

There are the ones that are so clever they make you chuckle out loud: Whose Appy Now?, It's Not Easy Being Greene, Match Made in Heaven, or Do One, Teach One, Kill One. There are the plays on catch-phrases: Hell and High Water, The Long Way Around, Fear of Flying, Suffer the Little Children. There are the imitations of song lyrics or television and movie titles: Take These Broken Wings, Leave it to Weaver, All in the Family, or Sleepless in Chicago. There are the honest ones: The Right Thing, The Healers, John Carter M.D., Baby Shower. And there are the dumb ones: Nobody Doesn't Like Amanda Lee, The Crossing, Bygones. I'll get back to you once I decide where this week's episode title falls. I have a funny feeling I might work it out by the end of the review.

But as far as the episode itself, I'm not in a major bashing mode. In fact, I enjoyed it - I enjoyed it a lot. Even more so the second and third times around, which is unusual; I often get tired of episodes the more frequently I view them. This one still made me laugh and think the third time around. Big point in its favor. Most of what makes it fresh even on repeat viewing is that there was a nice mix of the patients and the personalities, and there wasn't anything glaringly out of character. So that's this review, in a nutshell. If you're not interested in reading my rants, go no further. But why would you be here if you didn't like reading my rants? Huh? Huh? Winky wink. 

Often, in a run-of-the-mill ER episode selected at random from the last two seasons, you get a good premise that has been badly executed, which is a recipe for mediocrity. Take, for example, Homecoming. I'm all up for a little excitement in the ER every now and again, even in the form of rioting high school students. (Elise thinks: Hey, whatever. From what I know of high school students, they're just as liable to riot as they are to hunker down over textbooks and do schoolwork. Must be the hormones.) BUT - it was so stupidly done, with bodies flying everywhere and crashing over gurneys. Another example: Carter and Susan. Now, I am not by any stretch of the imagination a Carter/Susan 'shipper, and I never was, not even back in the day. (Elise thinks: EW! Ew, ew, ew, ew, EW!) But they had a little bit of history, and they had that insipid and disgusting pseudo-attraction residual from The Gift...as much as I hated it from start to finish, it wasn't totally unfeasible. But it was horribly executed; just thinking about that *kiss* in Quo Vadis? makes me want to throw up, and it's not just from my visceral disgust at those two together. (Elise thinks: Watching Noah and Sherry attempt to create a romantic vibe is like watching two paper dolls attempt to put their arms around each other. It just doesn't happen.)

The interesting thing about Insurrection was that it was a stupid premise that was very WELL executed. How did this happen? Well, let's examine the basis of the episode. Slow security suddenly a major issue after nine years of the doctors having to restrain patients themselves...ha. WHATever. Considering the track record of the security department at County General Hospital, there are two options that would make sense in my little world. (1) The doctors would realize it was somehow in their job description to restrain psychos in the name of Drama! - they've all done it, from Benton using a fire extinguisher to spray a gasoline-soaked patient who was trying to set himself on fire, to Mark twisting a patient's broken leg because he had kicked Chuny. Alternatively, (2) they might actually have staged a walk-out to increase the security after any number of random acts of violence in the ER where people actually were injured, therefore increasing the urgency. Like, say, Mark's vicious and brutal beating in the men's bathroom? Perhaps the riots, either when the homecoming team turned the ER into Celebrity Deathmatch or when fat men in plaid shirts tried to gurney their way out? How about when people transporting methane in IV bags blew up the entire emergency room? Or maybe any time an acquaintance of a patient walked in and shot said patient or beat them senseless? Or even - and here's the real shocker - a fatal stabbing incident? Security wasn't increased at any of these junctures. What's more, security (or lack thereof) wasn't protested with any sort of vehemence from the staff whose colleagues and patients had suffered severe physical and emotional harm at these junctures. Right. Of course not. But it *was* turned into a dilemma of patients versus principles over an incident where no one was hurt. Hey, the worst that could have possibly happened would have been Chen shuffling loose the mortal coil. (Elise exudes disapproval as she thinks: Now why wouldn't they take a perfectly good opportunity to let Chen make an appointment with Beelzebub? Morons.)

You know, a third option might be the hospital sitting up and taking notice, and putting it in the fine print of the staff contracts that should any crazies turn up, it is the duty of the medical personnel to restrain them.

Doctors on Strike: "We won't work until metal detectors are installed and security personnel turn up to do their jobs."

Hospital Authority: "Yes, we noticed that slow security was an issue, so we rectified the problem with a more creative solution. We thought outside the box. You're the ones who are supposed to do that job; your official title is now 'bouncer with an MD' instead of 'doctor.' Hooray for multitasking! Niener niener niener! We wrote it in your contracts! Sucks to be you!"

See, that would have saved them a shit load of trouble, and Weaver could have fired anyone and everyone she wanted to; but maybe not. But it was quite well-written and very well-acted: the scene with the gun-toting drug addict reasonably tense, the emotions escalating in believable fashion, and the lines drawn that separated friends from other friends (Carter and Susan on opposite sides of the issue) and united foes (Luka and Carter finally managing to actually speak civilly to each other). Anyway, the end result was that Insurrection showed us a different kind of mediocrity - a better kind - and it ended up being much higher quality than the average episode selected at random from the past two seasons. Not quite classic, but perhaps the next step down. Bravo, Ye Exalted Writers Orman and Yahlin Chang. (Elise thinks: I've never heard that of that last guy before, but considering the shit that Orman and Gemmill chugged out for us in Chaos Theory, I'd like to see more of Yahlin's work.)

So now that we've established that I think the basis of the episode was stupid, let's focus on the positives. (Elise thinks: Life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street.) The first and biggest point is awarded to Susan Lewis. Wow. Seriously, wow. This is the old Big Susie...and there's a little bit of character development worked in there, too. I like that. Consistency AND development? Since when did I die and go to heaven? She was Doctor Susie, and she wasn't taking any shit. Not from Weaver, who was trying to give her the party line when it came to how many patients were crammed into the ER. Not from Carter, who might as well have been saying, "doctors of the ER, unite! You have nothing to lose but your lives!" Not even from the cute money-market accountant/businessman who stood her up. (Elise thinks: Watching Susan sing "won't you take me to...Funky Town..." on hold on the telephone made me snort with hysterical laughter.)

I especially enjoyed the argument with Carter because it set several things squarely in place. First of all, that Susan is still on the fringes when it comes to the stabbing incident. While it's still vivid and terrifying to everyone else, it simply doesn't enter her consciousness as anything except a terrible event. In a sense, her perspective is fresh. Everyone else has treated it as the apocalypse, so Susan's life-goes-on attitude is a new take on it. (Now before I dig myself into an early grave, let me clarify: it was terrible. It was unforgettable, both as an incident and as an episode. But the fact remains that it didn't change everything for everybody.) So it makes sense that when it comes down to the wire, Susan would choose the patients over the principles because she doesn't have as deep an emotional investment in it as, say, Abby, the empathetic girlfriend. Or Weaver, who feels the pain of her staff but has to take management's side. Or Carter, the victim. Secondly, it cemented Susan as an advocate for her patients and her position. Perhaps the only thing that season 1-2-3 Susan ever really had trouble with as a physician was standing up for herself, hearkening back to the days when a nasty dig from Benton could leave her standing stunned and self-reproachful next to the elevator, or when Kaysen's dogmatic insults could cut her to the quick. Now, she's much more confident. "News flash, the health care system sucks!...Fine, you worry about tomorrow, I'm going to go help the patients who need us today." This time instead of instantly doubting herself, she matches point for point, opinion for opinion, moral for moral, and leaves you wondering who, in fact, is right. Here, we see character development. And BONUS - we also got consistency in the form of dry humor and earnestness. One word: nice.

Not to mention that Susan's burgeoning friendship with Abby is *so* exciting. I ate up their conversation in the club, though in my experience clubs aren't really ideal places to chat. (Elise thinks: loud, bad techno music? Sweaty people grinding at every turn? Just let me boogie, man, cuz ain't no talking happening here.) For one thing, Chen wasn't there - so it was pure, unadulterated Susan/Abby fun, untarnished by the presence of Ming-not-an-actress - and they were casually and entertainingly bouncing the one-liners off each other. To die for. Often, when ER tries to be funny, it only succeeds in being too obvious, but this was understated enough to feel real and therefore made me chuckle. (Also, for some reason, it cracked me up that Abby was brandishing that red glow-stick. That's something *I* would do. Hehehe.) And finally, I just have to say it, Sherry looked simply beautiful. I think the Talbot's Fairy must have paid her a visit in the form of that black shirt and those charcoal gray pants, and the sleek gold bob loose around her face was stunning. Wahoo. Susan enthusiasts must be loving her more than ever this season, because if you ask me, she's gotten some of its best moments so far.

Moving right along: Weaver and antidisestablishmentarianism. (Elise thinks: say that six times fast.) I'm not used to ER making me think anymore. In fact, the last time I can remember being really riveted by an issue that they presented on the show was in Such Sweet Sorrow, when Carol and Luka resuscitated the end-stage cancer victim so she could say goodbye to her daughters. But Weaver made me think, mostly because Laura Innes was, is, and ever will be totally fab. Everything about her was solidly in character, from the list of departments she rattled off when Carter challenged her about expediting the increased security to the way she barked out to the belligerent strikers that they were in violation of their hospital contracts to the tired and almost heartbroken way she said, "This is not your job, and believe me, you don't want it." That's damn right. Authority is not easy, and no one knows that better than Kerry Weaver; it even wears on her. It's about making tough decisions that will inevitably make you unpopular, which was what she showed Carter as she told him he'd have to fire three senior nurses. Speaking of which...Carter. I could see him, standing before the emperor in Roman gladiator garb, uttering the lines, "My name is Carterus Residentus Maximus!" before slaying the silver-masked opponent. But I enjoyed him today as well, mostly in his capacity as figurehead. It follows that he'd be the one that ER violence would affect the most deeply. I liked his interaction with Weaver, although him calling her "Kerry" and her calling him "John" made me wish intensely for some classic Weaver-Greene interaction - no two actors ever did the doctor/management dichotomy better. (Elise thinks: And hey, will wonders never cease? He mentioned Lucy! By name! Whooooooaaaaaaa, continuity fairy!) His interaction with his girlfriend is still missing the fire of days gone by - except for the cute moment when he held her hand in the ambulance bay, his moments with Abby had me wondering why she was giving him the same runaround she used to give Luka and furthermore, why he's taking it: "[Eric's] allergic to MSG (therefore we can't go to the Thai place)...Yeah, [my mom's] fine...she's fine." Come on, Carter, take the initiative, belabor the point like you used to - it gets results. That's how Madame La Lockhart knows you care, when she can't bullshit her way around you. (Elise thinks: Hel-LO, where's the insistence we saw in Brothers and Sisters?). But all in all, Carter was in good form. My favorite moment of his in the entire episode? When the metal detectors were being installed, and the panhandler asked him, "Hi, how're you doing?" and he replied, "I'm good." That was classic.

Abby and Eric - not bad. At least he's not Maggie. But seriously, when the ER is as busy as it was, there's little to no excuse for the way she's saying "In a minute," to all of her patients. I know her brother was there, but that rubbed me the wrong way. Not to dwell on the dark side, we got to see some funny Abby teasing Pratt about "fingering" it out, and of course in her scenes with Susan. (The fingering comment reminded me of when Carol put on vampire teeth and freaked Doug out, and then, laughing, said, "What? This is funny!") I liked that she didn't take the drink at the club - thank God for consistency of storyline - but I'm wondering why she and Carter aren't really communicating much, and I'm wondering what was up with Eric referring to med school. Why, Abby the Ever Evasive, did I just see you sidestepping Eric's question or were you just trying to get out of the way of the explosive diarrhea? Perhaps med school hasn't been laid to rest after all, although that's purely speculation on my part. We had limited Abby, but most of what I saw I enjoyed.

As for the other characters, there were three I liked and two I didn't. Love that Romano, my old friend the asshole; and how much would I like to see him with a ponytail and a lava lamp? Groovy, baby. (Elise thinks: Romano as Austin Powers!!! Can't you just see him sidling up to Elizabeth and saying, "Shall we shag now, baby, or shall we shag later?") Like that Luka, who was gracious enough to tell Abby he was happy for her and grudgingly honest enough to participate in the walk out; but with the bitter ex-girlfriend we see the not-so-slow metamorphosis into EuroDoug continuing, which I don't like one little bit. Love that Gallant, who walked out on his own principles and no one else's, even refusing to shake Carter's hand at the end. (That was my Look of the Week, by the way; Carter extends his hand, Gallant gives him a glance that says "oh no you did NOT just do that," Carter shrugs and backs away. Elise thinks: dissed much, Carter? Gallant said "wassup, biznitch?") I also loved how he took Leon home, which is something that demonstrates that Gallant will be one of those few doctors who are willing to go the extra mile and who are in it to help people, not just for career advancement. But Chen? Pratt? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what the hell are those two doing here? I'm not supposed to wish that the psycho actually *does* manage to shoot the hostage. I'm not supposed to wish that the guy who consoles said hostage would fall down a laundry chute or suffer some sort of tragic accident at the hands of an angry gurney. Chen, get out, and take your clunky sandals and your quasi-boyfriend with you. Here she be tryin' to be ghetto and shit - "I almost had a cap busted in my head." Yeah, I can fix that for you, mothafucka. You think I'm frontin' you? Bump that. E-Dog don't bullshit on front street when she talk about takin' out the trash who fake the funk, yo. Now if Pratt starts to talk to her like he talks to Leon, his retarded roommate - ah, a reviewer's dream! I could make fun of that until Little Boy Blue came to blow his horn! Pratt followed up her honky comment with the line, "Not my future love slave...I'm sorry, sometimes I get a little punchy when I get nervous." (Elise thinks: Fool dear God puppy hoemonkey crudmuffins on a stick, what the hell do they think they're doing?) I thought Carter and Susan were bad...these two have less chemistry than the valence shells of the noble gases. I think we can chalk this impending "romance" up with the likes of Mark/Chuny, Mark/Cynthia, Carter/Harper, Carter/Elaine, Doug/Karen Hines, and Carol/Tag. Under the category of "Accident Waiting to Happen."

And since I'm segwaying into the negative feelings, the Huntington's patient wasn't effective, although his pressure sore was thoroughly disgusting (way to go makeup department, you've grossed me out yet another time). His mother didn't make me very sympathetic, although she wasn't anywhere near the worst of what we have seen on ER. In other words, she wasn't Robin Turner from Lockdown, even if she wasn't Jodhi O'Brien. The opera music was cheesy and used the interlace technique to bad effect, chopping up Carter and Susan's interesting argument with some yowling Puccini. Or whatever the hoodlefunk it was. I'm all for some grand old opera once in a while - I adore The Magic Flute and Carmen and La Traviata - but not when I'm trying to listen to Carter and Susan duke it out. It just felt too out of place. Similarly glaring was Carter's line, "In the future could we try not to agitate the drug-seekers?" Ah, okay, Dr. Carter. We could just let them do their thing in the future. We could foster their addictions, build up a tolerance, and deplete the drug supply. That's exactly what they want - or have you forgotten that, my friend? Of course, we could always take Frank's suggestion and chase them out of the ER with a few cattle prods. That would be funny.

"Could I get some Demerol?"

"No!" ::zap::

"How about Percocet?"

"No!" ::zap zap::

"Valium?"

"No!" ::zap zap zap::

That Frank, he's a damn genius. A sure-fire way to rid the ER of many of its frequent fliers. Of course, there's always the risk of Weaver using it to keep any uncooperative staff members in line...

Erin Harkins also ended up annoying me today, even though at first I liked the way she and the child prostitute were interacting. The way she justified her noninvolvement in the walkout to Carter was what spoiled it. She doesn't owe these people anything, and she owes us, the viewers, even less. She's only been there for one episode, for crying out loud. Why are we supposed to care where she was during the whole fiasco? We don't know her! I'd rather have seen Romano's reactions to the walkout, or Anspaugh's, or Elizabeth's. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased they're not pulling a Lucy on us, but if they want to make this chick sympathetic, don't have her running around seeking approval all the time. It gets old, really fast. Give her a backbone like we saw in Dead Again.

But those are fairly minor details, just like the episode title - although minor details, when done right, are always the icing on the cake when it comes to ER episodes. To extend the baked goods analogy far beyond where baked goods analogies should extend, tonight we had the Twinkie but we didn't have the cream filling. Slightly higher-level mediocrity. A label that applies even to the title. No double meaning, no dual reference - just to do with the walkout. Which makes it honest, but stupid. They sat around the table snapping their fingers, trying to think of a clever catch-phrase title, and couldn't come up with one. "Ah, fuck it. Let's just call it Insurrection and have done with it. That's a nice big word that sounds official." Okay, writers - if you can't come up with titles, I have a ton you can use, and I won't even sue for copyright infringement. This episode: Rebel With A Cause, Mutiny at the County, or A Bridge Too Far. The premiere: Desperate Measures, Heat of the Moment, or Under Siege. Instead of Dead Again, what about Safe and Sound, or Return of the Native? All it takes is a little creativity. But hey, all told, not bad. Definitely not bad.

Seriously, I'll take that. As long as I can sit there for the whole hour and enjoy myself. That, after all, is what TV is about.

Lines of the Week:

"Okay, I'll lean on Mercy and see if they can accept some of the overflow."

"Break some legs if you have to!!!"

-- Weaver and Susan. Hot damn, I love hearing Susan kick ass. I really, really do.

"Hi how you doing, how-how you doing?"

"Groovy, how are you?"

-- Bum and Susan. See, I told you I love hearing Susan kick ass. Winky wink.

"Do you see a gynecologist?"

"Yeah, every Sunday after confession."

-- Erin Harkins and Tina Jones

"Pratt's having a little trouble fingering it out. Oh, come on. That's funny."

-- Abby. Haha. A little bit of the ba-doom-ching!-Carol-Hathaway humor there.

"I'm ordering metal detectors."

"Now you're talkin'. Let's get some cattle prods while you're at it."

-- Carter and Frank

"News flash! The health care system sucks! Our job is to treat the patients in spite of it."

-- Susan. Did I mention how much I love hearing her kick ass?

"I'd hoped to control costs, but since we're paying for immediacy you'll have to offset that by either laying off three senior nurses or canceling x-ray and lab service after ten PM."

"Whatever you think."
"No, John. You forced us to do it this way. You get to decide."

-- Weaver and Carter. Welcome to the real world, John Truman. Authority bites.

"Yo, 'I Am Spartacus,' come here! That proletariat revolt you staged left us a little short-handed down here. Oh, you think that's funny? It wasn't a joke. I told Weaver to fire you but you can't trust a lesbian to do a man's job, so I ended up babysitting three gorks and a dirtball with the DTs. Last time I did ER scut work I had a ponytail and a lava lamp. I do not enjoy revisiting those days. Am I clear, Dr. Carter?"

-- Romano. Ah, how that Rocket do crack my shit up. Always offensive, always as politically incorrect as it is possible to be, always fucking high-larious.