Well, it finally happened. Thursday night, I was NOT sitting in front of my television at ten PM. I was out on the town, painting it red with a guy who I think is the cutest little trick in shoe leather. Well - he's not little. He's tall. And blond. And very, very hot. As hot as they come. And he likes Ben and Jerry's, and he's a damn good dancer (I have never met anyone who can waltz as well as he can grind. Yeah, we did both. Don't you wish you were me? Phwoooooeeeeeeeeee!). Elise would like to run the bases, please. Second, third, hell, why don't we just steal home while we're at it?

I'm in love.

In a neat case of life imitating art, Sam and I are going out after we met in our mutual therapist's waiting room. I can tell, it's going to be healthy...although neither of us is an alcoholic and neither is addicted to prescription painkillers, and I hope neither of us will ever be stuck in a hospital under siege from mutated monkeypox. (That sounds *so* much like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles plotline.) We're just Ivy Leaguers (Him Princeton, Me Brown) home for a year off, taking some psychotherapy, and enjoying each other's company. Isn't that sweet? I love it when my life gets going. See, Phyl Behrer...now I have my own Fairly Perceptive Boyfriend to chat to. Anyway, how does this all connect to ER? The answer: it doesn't. Except for the fact that I didn't care that I wasn't watching. I did elect to tape it, and watched it on Friday; I was not about to watch it at four AM, thoroughly inebriated and on an emotional high. Why let Drama! spoil my post-date euphoria? Especially when both The West Wing and Presidio Med were good on Wednesday. So I sit down on Friday afternoon and press play, then wait for my gut reaction to hit me. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the verdict: better. Much better.

While not a classic episode, it did return to the thing that made ER so good at first, and that was the medicine. So hooray! Someone might actually have been paying attention, or maybe Dee Johnson was so ashamed of Lockdown that she decided to redeem herself. It was back to the theme that never gets old - too many patients, not enough doctors. And I am just retro enough to appreciate that. But being that I'm a reviewer, I'm never satisfied with just saying "I liked it" or "I didn't like it." So dig in. Here I go. I love it when doctors do their jobs, and show us just how good they are at it. We got good old dryly sarcastic Dr. Lewis (something I never get tired of), Weaver the Career Woman, all establishment and business (except for that ridiculous crying), and Gallant (I love Gallant! I really, really do!). We got Romano, still fighting...Carter in good form...and Pratt snagged a few good lines. So let's go through the characters one by one, shall we? Right-ho.

Patients is a virtue.

Yes, patients. One of ER's greatest strengths was writing bit parts for the patients. A good one can wring your heart like nothing else on TV; for example, Jodhi and Sean O'Brien in Love's Labor Lost. Or Raul Melendez in The Healers. Or the Herlihy family in Fear of Flying. Or T.C., the little girl with liver failure in John Carter, M.D. Or Sophie, the little girl with E. coli poisoning in Exodus. You get the picture. Well, today, I cared about the patients and their families. Go figure. The girl with internal injuries from the motorcycle accident was horrible, and her father was heart-wrenching (I felt especially sorry for him after he met with Elizabeth). The kiosk owner was hilarious, as were all of Gallant's patients. The heart attack victim with the two sons was believable. The gang-banger was the reminder that not all people who come into the ER are the salt of the earth. Some of them are downright scumbags. Alma, his pregnant girlfriend, wasn't bad either. See, it's possible to insert characterization that's believable into just a few lines.

I Am the Resurrection, Sayeth the Pratt.

Ah yes. Pratt. Though he's still nothing like Benton, I appreciate some quality Mekhi Phifer. He has punchy, hard-hitting line delivery skills that emphasize his words, and a rakish smile which gives the character a direct and challenging demeanor. "Who has seen more patients than anyone else? Me, that's who. And you're going to miss me, because I am out of here." I actually was surprised to find myself smiling at that, and then laughing when the kiosk owner sent him all those flower arrangements. Hey, it was funny. I don't have to like the guy, and I don't - he's a grade A, USDA approved jackass - but I can give credit where credit is due. If they take enough time to flesh him out, he could turn out all right. The moment that I saw this was not when he resuscitated the heart attack victim or looked after the kids; it was when he sat down next to his mentally challenged roommate and shared pizza with him. The heart attack victim was always a dead end street, and the kids didn't talk or act like kids, so those fell flat. But the scene in his apartment shows that there is potential in his character. Pratt has a human side, too, apparently. Although any and all scenes with Chen are doomed to fast failure.

Michael Gallant: The Newest Talbot's Mascot. "Classic."

When I say "classic," I don't mean Greek sculpture or Roman architecture. I mean moments that can make me smile, laugh, cheer, think, and end up making me root for the character. By that definition, Gallant had the most classic moments in the episode, as he avoided turfing all the crazy patients by finding their medical problems. He made me laugh and cheer like Carter used to. He showed us stoicism: he took a punch in the eye without complaint and carried on regardless. He showed us brains: he refused to take the easy way out on his patients. He showed us resourcefulness: he found any way he could to solve the patients' problems in the ER itself. And he showed us humor: I can't remember being as amused by a patient as I was by the adult baby in a long time. I could grab the sock out of my mouth and shout, "RAAR! You go, Michael!" He's been here for about twenty episodes, and he belongs. I'm more attached to him than I ever was to Lucy Knight, and so is the staff; Pratt gives him grudging respect, Weaver praises his diagnosis even though she's irritated, and Susan is willing to admit that he's right even though she wants him to remind her "to give you some serious scut work." I think I'll echo Pratt on this one: "You're stubborn, I'll give you that." Damn straight he is. As for the psych rotation, I don't think he's cut out for it. He's got the ER mentality, treat 'em and street 'em but make sure you do both right. The writers seem to be as affectionate toward Gallant as most of the fans are, which is a good sign. Keep up the good work.

Hi, my name is Luka Kovac, and I'm a morally superior being.

Bringing back the ghost of Neekole via the unconcerned gang-banger father is literally nauseating. "No matter what she is to you, she's carrying your child." Herm. Not only is Luka at the significant disadvantage of knowing very, very little about any given situation, he's at risk for massive hypocrisy. Remember the French chick, Dr. Kovac, and think about how responsible you and she were being in that particular instance. Then you can watch for falling moral superiority anvils. In all honesty, I didn't understand Luka's role in this episode, other than to cast wistful glances at Abby, which irritated me; kill the fucking triangle, because it isn't interesting anymore. I guess the writers feel otherwise. (After seeing this, I can't help but think that there's going to be some sort of of romantic resurgence between him and Abby. Incidentally, I have thought this for a while now; that before she makes up her mind for good and all she's going to have one final vacillation, like a kiss or a one-night stand. Watch out, Carter.) As for his other storylines - and I'm using the word in its loosest sense - I'm at a loss except to say "HUH?!?" The secretary with the head lac? Uh, what the hell happened to that? ::sighs:: You know what? They don't care about poor Dr. Kovac. Send him home. Goran has better things he could be doing. Something tells me that when this series is over, he's not going to look back on it and sing Summer of 69 (those were the best days of my liiiiiiiiiife...). He's going to say, "Why the hell did I stay?"

Who's house? John's house! I said, who's house? Say what, say what? John's house!

I averted my eyes during the credits so I wouldn't feel upset about the Rolly Chair Sacrilege, and then proceeded to remember why I lurve that cutie-pie John Truman. Ah, there's my Carter, and surprisingly enough, there's my Dr. Greene as well. I saw the cute Carter of old crashing in the lounge - isn't he beautiful when he's sleeping? I'd kiss him too, Abby m'love - which reminded me of everything from The Longer You Stay to Dr. Carter, I Presume to Day For Knight to Blizzard. And I saw elements of Dr. Greene. The compassion he showed the children who he thought had just lost their father was sweet. The directness and sympathy he showed their mother was encouraging. The heat he took for defending Pratt's rash decision had me feeling for him. The speech he gave Pratt afterward ("You think I defended you because I like you...? I defended you because it's my job") was tough, and probably taught Pratt more than anything else he's experienced while at County. Carter has learned well from Mark; now all we need to hope for is that he doesn't become the writers' punching bag. Let the romance with Abby actually work, despite all the recent indications to the contrary, because he deserves it; he waited good and long for that girl. Let someone offer him the attending position, which he also deserves; he's a damn good doctor. Carter should be happy. Pathos is not his dig. He's not a tragic character and he's not a depressing one. Let's have his life turn out all right.

Weaver in Wonderland.

Laura Innes. Great actress. And for the most part, we got to see quality Weaver today. I just love seeing her as the administrative ice queen, doing everything from signing budget reports to instructing Gallant about the frequent fliers, to greeting med students and managing to get in a dig at Carter at the same time, to yelling at paramedics to put away the video game because it's distracting the patients. The best part about Laura Innes' acting is that she can display such a rich medley of emotions all at the same time. Case in point: as she presents the budget reports to Romano, his abrasiveness is obviously wearing on her nerves. "I'm not kissing anyone's ass," she retorts. Then, when he grimaces in pain, she asks, "Have you thought about upping your Vicodin?" still with the same note of annoyance in her voice, except that it's tempered by the concern that subtly shows in her face and voice. What wouldn't I give to have talent like hers. The woman, quite simply, rocks. On the other hand, what the hell was the crying? Out of character! Out of character! Last time I checked, Elizabeth Corday had not the power to reduce the unsinkable Kerry Weaver to tears. Not even when she screamed, "Well I hope you come down with a fatal illness, Kerry, so I can do absolutely nothing to help you!" Did Weaver burst into tears then? No. So what's up with this? Chen's observation that Weaver has been "moody" lately doesn't explain it. Very random. And I don't like random, one little bit, so unless it's followed up by some sort of adequate explanation, I am drumming my fingers in annoyance. For God's sake, don't fuck with Weaver. Leave her alone.

Bedside Manner? Who do you think I am, Clara Barton or something?

Of course, we did have Elizabeth the Uber-Bitch. Welcome back, darling, you're one I hoped I wouldn't see again. In the interest of being fair, I'll accentuate the positives first: she had three good moments. First, the photograph in the lounge of the old crowd almost made me mist up. Ah, the old days; the people pictured were Carol, Susan, Chuny, Haleh, Lydia, all standing around Mark, and therefore made me instantly nostalgic. Second, the elevator rides were a nice touch, especially the first one with "Piano Man" playing in the background (All in the Family, anyone? See, I love continuity!). Third, the scene with Romano. Well-acted, and showing how they each have a soft spot for the other. (Dude, Alex Kingston has more chemistry with Paul McCrane than she ever had with Tony Edwards.) She used to take the edge off his abrasiveness, and now he takes the edge off hers.

On the other hand, while I appreciate that she's supposed to be grieving, I'm just sick of the attitude. Sick of it. She has no rapport with her patients, and no professional rapport with her colleagues. For example: what in the name of hoohaw is she doing shouting at Weaver? Excuse me, Elizabeth, but Dr. Weaver is Chief of the ER. You owe her a good deal of professional respect. Sure, she was giving you the party line when you challenged her diagnosis, because it was a threat to her authority. She does, however, have every right to question your awful attitude, and she even tried to do it diplomatically, saying that she was concerned that Elizabeth was taking on too many duties too fast. Elizabeth, *you* were the one who lost your professionalism. I'm sorry, I know I'm biased in favor of Kerrydom, but you must give her that she has never once lost her professionalism. Second example: what the rorkysniffing hoodlefunk is up with Elizabeth giving Susan the runaround? Susan was trying to help, and considering the way Elizabeth treated her patient's father, it would have been better for all concerned had Dr. Lewis spoken to him. Better for him, better for Elizabeth, and aeons better for us, the viewers. She'd do well to follow a little of her own advice: stop wanting everyone to kowtow to her and do her job MINUS the bitchiness. Yes, Elizabeth's giving me a migraine again. Where's the Excedrin?

Love in an Elevator...or in a Shower. Whatever the hell floats your boat.

I've never been much of a believer in women's intuition, but I'm getting a vibe, and that vibe is disturbing seeing as I root for Carter and Abby. I'm getting a Luka-still-is-interested vibe. A long glance, between the ambulances. A sudden "watch your mouth" when someone calls her a name. An offer to give her a ride home. It makes me uneasy. To top that off, I'm not getting much of a Carter-is-into-Abby's-life vibe. Sure, I don't mind that they're having sex or showering together - it's cute - and I don't mind that she's slapping him on the ass - it's cute - or gently kissing him and leaving him snoozing on the lounge sofa - it's still cute. I just wish that things hadn't gotten so physical so fast. They rushed it. The thing that I loved best about these two was that they always shared their stories first. So I'm really, really disturbed that they aren't talking, and I'm not willing to excuse it with the "they've been talking for years, wish 'em luck and let 'em fuck" argument. Nope. I'm not interested in watching Luka and Abby, the sequel. I'm not interested in watching Mark and Elizabeth, the sequel. I'm interested in watching Doug and Carol, the sequel. Think about how D/C were presented to us, the viewers, just after their legendary kiss back in season 4. They were making each other presents of sock drawers, sitting on her porch and snuggling, chatting, discussing their commitment instead of avoiding it. Hell, we didn't have to see any sex. It didn't matter. But this time around, when Abby tries to say seriously, "I'm thinking about going to a meeting," Carter pulls her into the shower for a quick one? Likewise, when he's trying to tell her that he wants their relationship to work, the first thing she does is turn around and walk in the other direction? Ummm...this can't be the same man who brought the girl dried flowers because he knew she loved them. It can't be the same woman who went to a funeral and laughed to release the tension, sharing a bittersweet moment with the guy she cared about. It can't be the man who didn't kiss her on that loading dock even though every moment of every breath was showing us just how much he wanted to; it can't be the woman who tenderly touched his face and looked into his eyes to make sure he wasn't hurting inside. Please, writers, I am begging you, don't screw this up. It would be so nice of you to show us lovers who were the best of friends, who helped each other in tight spots, who could have sweet and tender Sarah McLachlan sex because they were (not to get all Zen Buddhist on you here, but the phrase fits) celebrating their union in the face of all their troubles. And don't say that they *are* the best of friends who help each other in tight spots and have sweet, tender, Sarah McLachlan sex. Boloney. They have been the best of friends in the past...but where has that interaction gone? As far as sex goes, what I've seen was rockin' the gurney and steaming up the bathroom, and both times it seemed a convenient excuse to avoid what should be out in the open. We haven't even seen them really kiss yet! What the hell?!? Oh, I forgot. These are TPTB. Well slap me on the ass and call me Dr. Ruth; they can screw up a good romance faster than Steve McQueen can take a straightaway at the Coca Cola 600. (No, I don't watch Nascar. I just love making fun of it.) What's that Counting Crows song? "It does not bother me to say this isn't love, 'cause if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love and I guess I'm gonna have to live without it, but I'm sure there's something in a shade of gray, or something in between." I think it's called Anna Begins. How about I mess with my song lyrics here and say... 

This time the kindness falls like rain, it washes her away, and Abby begins to change her mind...

Maura is *so* good at what she does. And she personifies Abby Lockhart to the T; and she has always played her with the perfect amount of passion tempered by restraint. She is a disciplined actress who does her character justice. Ergo, you would think that the writers would throw Madame La Lockhart a bone. She deserves to have her life work out just as much as Carter does. So my question is, why all the shallowness? Why the avoidance? Why the general lack of storyline and screen time? I liked her line delivery when she said, "There's a meeting near here that starts at eight." That was my Abby - still a little uncertain, probing, testing the waters - and it was also consistency of storyline. Unfortunately, she was brought into her shower for a little baptism/orgasm before she could get the chance to say anything else. Whatever. Furthermore, what, may I ask, were those weird moments with Luka? I am sure that many Carter/Abby shippers are going to write those moments off as "they're showing us how they can be friends." Well, I'd like to believe that as much as the next Carby; believe you me, I would. But just try to tell me that there wasn't something different between these scenes and the ones where she moved into his apartment, just try it. That was platonic. This is worrying. She still hasn't made up her mind. Come on, Abby. Make a choice. I'm tired of the is-she-or-isn't-she going to meetings, I'm tired of the will-she-or-won't-she pick Carter, I'm tired of the is-there-or-isn't-there chemistry. You know, eenie meenie meinie moe works wonders if you can't think of anything else.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Leslie Bibb as Erin Harkins: promising. I liked her in The Skulls and she wasn't half bad on Popular...but she does look better as a blonde. Anyhoo, I like how she stuck up for herself. She hung around waiting - that shows dedication - and she was appropriately respectful of the doctors yet arrestingly in-your-face about not being cast aside. "I have been here for sixteen hours, I have been ignored and yelled at and called honey, and sweetie, and bitch twice. I do not smell good and all I have had to eat is gummy bears and Diet Coke. I'm not going to leave until I get what I came for." Three words: you go girl. I hate wishy-washy characters, in case you hadn't noticed; that was why Lucy irritated the living shit out of me. So far, she's not Lucy. Which is good. I'm not willing to pass further judgment on her before I see some more, but if you all are up for a little speculation, here's my two cents. Disclaimer: the following statements are not based on spoilers. I no longer read spoilers. If I had to say which character she reminds me of, I'd pick Harper Tracy. Similar entrance, similar feisty attitude, similar wish to jump right in and get her hands dirty. Since she reminds me of Harper Tracy, the next step I take is to think, "Hm. Well, Harper was a love interest for Carter. Aaah...maybe Erin is a love interest for Gallant. Could be." Hey, worse things could definitely happen. Know what else I like about her? She's tall. Many of the other ER gals are titchy. Maura's only five three, Laura's five four, Sherry and Alex are five six. Leslie is five eleven (yep, I looked it up). Look at her standing next to Noah, who's six one - she can actually look him in the face.  I'm a tall woman, and I like seeing other ladies with some height out there.

We're all together again, we're here, we're here...

I love Dr. Lewis. She's tough and she's at her best in a time of crisis. "Hardly, board number two is for the patients in the hall." "I don't suppose it's too late to go into dermatology." "Only because he swallowed nitroglycerine." "Remind me to give you some serious scut work." She was doing her job well, even inserting a little compassion in there - unlike a certain British surgeon. And she looked pretty in pink, with her tan. Glowing, and healthy. We all know I'm not a big fan of the blonder version of Dr. Lewis, but her hair is growing out, and the barrette looked nice. Susie gets a point today. Romano was also great. Determined, stoic, and still the jerk we know and love despite his maimed state; for example, when the therapist said "Give me the middle finger" and he replied "I would if I could!" - that was classic Romano. He also had a great scene with Elizabeth. Nice going, Paul McCrane.

Technical production was good as well; directing was solid, editing was well-done, production was polished. And finally, a few final points that made me want to sing: Dr. Kaysen! Chuny! Haleh! Malik! Shirley! My, my, my, I love continuity. I wanted Susan to get a chance to butt heads with Kaysen so I could relive the tPA crisis of season 1, but oh well, that can be for another day, and Carter did just fine in her stead. Always good to see Chuny, so I can know she wasn't bobbed. Malik was characteristically sardonic. Haleh is looking good. Shirley is the coolest. Aaaaaaaand...RANDI! Lordy, lordy, I've missed that flashy chick behind the admit desk. Kristin Minter can deadpan a one-liner better than almost anyone else on the cast; they should have made her a regular instead of Chen. Good to have you back, Randi. It has been too long.

In essence, this episode made use of its valuable ensemble cast, gave us a few funny little details that made the continuity whore in me smile, and showed us how over the course of a normal day, the drama of life and death still throbs in the ER. So hey, guess what? I still like the show, even if it has jumped the shark. In the words of Paul Simon, I'm "still crazy after all these years." I'll ask Sam what he thinks over lunch on Sunday. If we don't go clubbing next Thursday night, I may just tune in.

For old times' sake.

"You are one sadistic bitch, you know that?"

"Give me the middle finger."

"I would if I could." -- Romano and Physical Therapist

"How are you healing?"
"It hurts like a son of a bitch...you?" -- Elizabeth and Romano

"Did you cut yourself shaving? Oh, never mind. Lipstick." -- Chen. Jing-Mei, go away, come again another day. Or how about not?

"Hey, sleeping beauty!"

"How long have I been in there?"
"Since before my shift started." -- Randi and Carter When she said her first line, I yelled, "Hey yourself, you crazy funky bad-ass girl! Where the hell have you been all my life?!?" Then I chewed some more on my sock. Hot DAMN it's good to have her back. Keep her.

"What's anybody doing on a motorcycle?" -- Elizabeth. Hmmm...one might ask what your former husband was doing on his motorcycle in season 3...but you never knew he had a motorcycle, did you? That was before your time. Tcha. Rookie.

"Mrs. Breedlove, you need to stay in bed. Otherwise we might be tempted to put someone else in it." -- Carter

"I don't suppose it's too late to go into dermatology..." -- Susan

"Mr. Spooner, let me guess, you're still itchy."

"Yes, but..."

"You need to give drugs time to work, and stop scratching."

"Well, yes, Dr. Lewis, I know, but I think the man next to me just stopped breathing." -- Susan and Mr. Spooner. Whoops, better go check the ABCs on that one!

"Do you think I defended you because I like you, or because I approve of the way you practice medicine? You are my responsibility. You are my job...you go off without any regard for authority or even the best interest of your patient."

"That's not true. I mean, the guy's got kids. He's got a wife. I was just trying to save him."

"You brought the man back, Pratt, because you felt like it. Because you wanted to see if you could." -- Carter and Pratt. Hey, didn't that sound a helluva lot like the best of Dr. Greene? Hello, Mark, my old friend...you are gone but not forgotten. Oh yeah, and Carter's beautiful big brown eyes are so gorgeous when he's being earnest.

"I want to thank you, Dr. Gallant."

"There's no need, Mrs. Tinsley, no need."

"I just get - I don't know - panicky in public places."

"That's why you need to keep taking your Clonofen."

"I hope I wasn't too much trouble!"

"Not at all, not at all." -- Mrs. Tinsley and Gallant. I loved how he touched his swollen eye as she walked off. I burst out laughing. Oh, how I love Michael. He's just...funny, adorable, smart, diplomatic, independent, classy, and classic.

"No! I have been here for sixteen hours. I have been ignored and yelled at and called 'honey' and 'sweetie' and 'bitch,' twice. I do not smell good, and all I've had to eat is gummy bears and diet Coke. I'm not going to leave until I get what I came for." -- Erin Harkins. Way to go, chica. It was nice meeting you.